Brandie's Ramblie's

2011.

I don’t know how to start this entry. Been rewriting for the last few minutes, but I can’t seem to capture how to even begin summing up my 2011. I’ve grown as a comedian and as a person, through triumphs and heartbreaks that are only going to become moreso in 2012, for better or worse. Comedywise, I did 136 shows last year, went to Bridgetown for my first comedy festival, toured a bit in Arizona and San Francisco, and wrote some stuff I am really proud of. Did my first headlining set with Babs at the 2 & 45 and it felt good. Trick went away, but The 4&20 is here to stay. Another year of The Spot, but that’s getting handed off in a month after hosting for 3 years. I’m sure I’ll write plenty about that when it goes, I already miss it, but sometimes you have to move on. I got signed with managers, as have a lot of my friends. It feels good to see everyone succeeding and getting better and better. I haven’t been hitting as many mics because I’ve been writing different things more, and I miss seeing the people I love every day.

My comedy took a turn for the personal this year… life got darker, and it’s been hard to deal at times. Since June, my mom has tried to kill herself at least 4 times. Over Christmas, she threw herself out of bed and tried to break her neck. She’s bedridden with a disease called Multiple System Atrophy and she’s got less than a year before doctors expect her to pass away.  It’s a disease that disconnects the nerve endings in your brain - you can’t do the things you want because you just can’t make the connections. She lost the ability to walk shortly after her first suicide attempt. She’s not in pain, but she can’t do anything and just lays in bed wasting away. She’s not a fighter, and never has been. She has a slight tremoring in her hands and can’t go to the bathroom by herself. My dad has been doing everything for her for months. I’ll be on the east coast a lot this year, spending what time I have left with her, trying to connect in some way with whatever’s left of her. We’ve never been what you would call close, but I had always kind of hoped that would change with time. Now, there is no time.

I spent the holidays this year thinking about death 24/7, and came back to Angelo Bowers being killed by a drunk driver. We are never promised any time on this earth, life can be taken or changed at any moment and none of it is in our control. I have no regrets and I’ve lived a hell of a life so far and will continue to every day that I am granted. Comedy has made that life richer and deeper than it would be otherwise, and I am constantly grateful for that. It’s shown me the strength within myself I always hoped I had.

I’m deeply in love with a man who is deeply in love with me. I didn’t think I was capable of that until a few months ago. Life changes and swirls and we become new people overnight, hopefully better, hopefully wiser, hopefully never jaded.

A lot is going to happen in 2012. I will lose my mother. I will cry on an airplane to her funeral. I will write some things that will make people laugh. I will write some things that will inspire. I will see my friends do amazing things, some that I am a part of and some that I am happy just to watch. I will kiss a man who is good to me. I will probably tell someone to fuck off. And I will cherish every one of those days because I am alive and able. I have hope for this year.